The "Right" Fight

By Kathryn Berlá, Ed.D

Dear Dr. Berlá,

I have been married to my husband for two years. We seem to have a lot of conflict and arguments, but we seem to make up about most things. Recently, a friend commented to me that she and her husband never fight, and that she noticed that my husband and I do. She implied that my marriage is not as healthy as hers. She and her husband may not fight, but they seem to be very sarcastic with each other. Which is worse?

J.G., Louisville

Fighting, in and of itself, is not an unhealthy behavior in marriage. It can actually be a good thing, if done properly. What is the "right' way to fight? Reliable research in this area has identified specific behaviors that we should avoid when engaging in arguments, so I will start by discussing a couple of the "wrong" behaviors along with explaining the complementary "right" ones. How solid is the research and why should you care? Well, the researchers identified four or five specific behaviors that allowed them to predict with 86 percent accuracy whether a couple was headed for divorce court. And that was after observing only a 15-minute argument! I can't cover all the research results here, but I will address two of the points.

The first is criticism. This behavior involves making an attack on your spouse's personality or character, often in a blaming way. It is important to distinguish between criticisms and complaints. A complaint is a statement about a specific behavior, rather than a statement about the person. Complaining, while unpleasant to experience, is actually one of the healthiest behaviors in a marriage. Airing disagreements and expressing anger opens the door to making the relationship stronger. Suppressing these thoughts and feelings does nothing to help strengthen a bond between two people. Criticism, on the other hand, acts as a corrosive force on a marriage, especially when it becomes pervasive or your spouse is especially sensitive to it.

An illustration of complaining versus criticism is as follows:

Complaint : You forgot to pick up my dry cleaning? What am I going to wear tomorrow?

Criticism : You forgot the dry cleaning? I must not be that important to you! You clearly don't care about my needs!

The complaint communicates dissatisfaction with a certain behavior; the criticism communicates judgment about the person and characterizes the person as selfish.

Criticism can take many forms of expression. Often the messages are: "You don't care about me," "You always put yourself first," or "You should be ashamed." Use of the word "never" is a definite marker for criticism, as in "You never remember to start the dishwasher!" Another signal that complaining has snowballed into criticism is when one starts adding every grievance they have ever experienced to the list. "You forgot the dry cleaning, you didn't take out the garbage, you were rude to my mother last week - in fact it's obvious you are incapable of being nice to her - and you don't care about my feelings!" Even if each statement is phrased as a complaint, when taken together all at one time, they can have the same effect as a criticism.

The second behavior from the research is contempt. A behavior is designated as contempt when negative thoughts about your partner fuel you to intentionally insult or psychologically abuse that person. Sounds harsh, but that is what is happening when feeling of disgust for the person lead you to lob insults directly into the heart of who they are.

Here is an example:

Him : You've overdrawn the checking account again! How can you keep doing this?

Her : I checked the balance before I went grocery shopping. How could I have known that the automatic car payment was today?

Him : Because it is always on the fifth of the month. How can you be such an airhead?

Her : If you made more money, this wouldn't be a problem. If you had more backbone, you would ask for a raise!

Him : You are so spoiled!

Her : You are so incompetent!

The earmarks of contempt include name-calling of any kind, hostile humor, sarcasm, mockery and body language such as rolling the eyes and sneering. When this happens, couples lose their feelings of affection and admiration for each other - certain signs of marital decay.

The antidote to contempt is the strengthening of admiration and affection. If you are more consistently mindful of what you admire about your spouse, what you are fond of, and what made you fall in love with him or her, you are going to be less likely to act out in contemptuous ways. It may seem overly simple and obvious, but fondness and admiration are fragile. A good friendship is crucial to a good marriage and fondness and admiration are the foundation of friendship. By reminding yourself of your spouse's good qualities, even in the midst of discord, you can prevent your marriage from completely unraveling.

If you have noticed that criticism and contempt are not only present in your relationship, but seem to be spiraling beyond your control, it may be time to seek professional intervention. Finding a therapist who is familiar with these concepts and who can help you reestablish and nurture your friendship may be the best investment you can ever make. It is certainly less expensive than attorneys' fees.

If you have a question for our psychologist that you would like the answer to please, write to: Family Matters Column , KHF, P.O. Box 436387 , Louisville , KY 40253-6387 . You can e-mail questions to: bdaykhf@aol.com or you can fax your questions to: (502) 245-4098. Due to the volume of submissions, inquiries may not receive direct responses.

Kathryn Berlá, Ed.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Louisville . She may be reached at 502-412-2226.