Dealing With the Holidays Alone

By Katherine Berlá

Dear Dr. Berlá:

My husband and I have just separated after four years of marriage. We have no children, and I have no close relatives in my town. I am worried about what I should do over the holidays since my normal routine would have involved my husband and his family, and I can't take enough time off work to travel to my hometown where my family lives. I am already getting depressed thinking about spending Christmas alone. Do you have any suggestions?

S. L., Crestwood

Dear S. L.:

Under “normal” circumstances, the holidays can leave us feeling harried and disappointed. We often carry unrealistic expectations for the holidays left over from our childhoods or from what we see in the movies and television. There are images all around us of perfect families; extravagant, meaningful gifts; and happy, glowing holiday dinners. While the holidays can be a source of pleasure for many, they are rarely perfect for any of us once we get past the age of ten. For many others, the holiday season has become an identifiable source of stress and tension. When you add the stressor of a major upheaval, such as experiencing the first holiday season after a divorce or death in the family, regular holiday blues may increase tenfold.

Family problems may be compounded. And, when loved ones suddenly aren't around anymore, we lose the possibility of ever resolving those problems forever, which may only intensify our grief reactions.

Many people spend the holidays alone by choice because they prefer having the personal time. If this sounds appealing to you, there are plenty of ways that you could indulge yourself. Some simple pre-planning can help you make the most of this opportunity. Examples of how some choose to spend their time include taking on a home project (just make sure you purchase all the supplies you'll need beforehand), reading a good book, cooking a favorite meal or creating and renting a custom-made movie marathon.

If you are anticipating a lonely holiday that is not by your choosing, again the key is planning ahead. Often people assume that everyone already has plans for the holidays and don't think to make an offer. Be brazen; if a friend is having a family get together, announce that you will be alone. An invitation will likely follow.

Otherwise, here are some suggestions to help you avoid being alone:

• Volunteer at a soup kitchen or shelter.
• Organize an “orphan” party for others who will be alone for the holiday.
• Attend religious services or choose a service in a denomination or faith you would not normally attend.
• Look for singles' organizations or social clubs – many have holiday events for just this reason.
• Ask the local children's hospital or a nursing home for holiday volunteer opportunities.

Many people do fine with their “alternative” holiday plans, but there are some who will end up feeling some unpleasant emotions regardless of how much careful planning they do. If this happens to you, recognize that this is a natural reaction, and don't start thinking you are weird for feeling down. It's all right to cry, but then try to make the decision to get on with your day. Many are tempted to placate themselves by overindulging in alcohol, food or overspending, which can only make the situation worse.

There are some people who think that they will be okay spending the holiday alone, but then when crunch time hits, they feel lonely and panicky. If you suspect that you may be prone to some last-minute desperation, it is not a bad idea to have a back-up plan, such as a friend's house or a singles' group activity. You may find that having a back-up plan gives you reassurance even if you don't act on it. Then again, you may decide that you need to be with others. Either way, you are covered. If you feel like being with people, then go. If not, then stay home and give yourself a treat.

Try to take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Life will get back to normal.

If you have a question that you would like for our psychologist to answer, please write to: Family Matters Column , KHF, P.O. Box 436387 , Louisville , KY 40253-6387 . You can e-mail questions to: bdaykhf@aol.com or fax to: 502-245-4098. Due to the volume of submissions, inquiries may not receive direct responses.

Kathryn Berlá, Ed.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Louisville . She may be reached at 502-412-2226.