Divorce Talk How Can I Handle the Pressure?

By Kathryn Berlá, Ed.D

Dear Dr. Berlá,

My husband recently has been telling me that he is not happy being married and that he is almost certain he wants a divorce. This has been going on for at least three months, but it doesn't seem like anything is really that different between us. We still do all the same things together, but I feel like this is always hanging over my head. When I ask him about it, he says his feelings haven't changed. I'm afraid to push it, because I don't want him to leave me, but the uncertainty is killing me. What can I do?

— D.B., Louisville

Dear D.B.,

Unfortunately this is a story that is all too familiar. Your spouse is contemplating leaving your marriage but is giving you conflicting messages. Just because he has one foot out the door, it doesn't mean that he isn't fully aware of all of the things he might miss if he gives up the marriage. There is a lot of security and comfort in even an unhappy union. There is often stability, familiarity, social and financial security, and routine. Also, if there are children involved, the guilt about disrupting their lives comes into play.

It is very common for the indecisive spouse to say and do things that contradict each other — behavior that is guaranteed to leave the other spouse confused, hurt, hopeful and grasping at straws. The ambivalence expressed by the indecisive spouse leaves the other spouse no choice but to try to read tea leaves in order to discern what is going to unfold in the marriage. It is not uncommon for couples in his situation to carry on with their sex lives, perhaps further adding to the confusion for both.

Often discussions the two of you have lead nowhere, except to more fighting with still no resolution. It takes two people to keep a marriage, but only one to break one up. You only ultimately have control over your own actions, and the best and smartest thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Here are a few tips:

1. See a therapist. It is true that if your spouse refuses to go to therapy, there isn't much hope for a happy resolution for the marriage. That doesn't mean that you can't be happy in the long run. Whether you are going to therapy to salvage the relationship, or to try to get guidance on how to split without destroying each other, the support that a therapist can offer during this time is invaluable. Find a reputable therapist, make an appointment, invite him to come with you, and if he won't, go by yourself. You need this.
2. Consult an attorney. You don't have to file any paperwork — you don't even have to make a decision to pursue a divorce. Just find an attorney and ask for a consultation to see what you might be facing, financially and otherwise. Bring as much financial information to the meting as you can: account balances, outstanding debt, investments, etc. Many people are afraid of being alone because they don't think they can survive financially. The picture may not be a bleak as you think, but you won't know until you ask. If you are committed to saving your marriage, you'll be able be more effective if you are not operating from a place of fear about being financially devastated. Your marriage has a much better chance if you are working on it because you really want to stay, not because you are too afraid to leave.
3. There is a limit to how much you should tolerate listening to your spouse tell you that he doesn't want to be in the marriage. There is no reason to engage in long debates or discussions about his mixed feelings. You cannot objectively help him work through this dilemma, and to try to do so will only leave you feeling more desperate and hurt. He has other people he can talk to about this: friends, family or his therapist. Going on endlessly about his need to seek fulfillment outside of your relationship will only serve to torture you, and don't think for a second that there isn't a part of him that knows that. If he is really on his way out the door, then you need to start thinking about taking care of yourself anyway. Does he really need or deserve your blessing to leave you? If he is still interested in trying to save the marriage, then have your therapist help the two of you set up guidelines for discussion, so that he isn't using the “relationship talks” as a cover for battering you with his ambivalence.
4. Spend time with people who treat you like they actually like you. When you are in the middle of a marital crisis such as this one, you don't realize how the daily interaction with an ambivalent spouse can be like acid rain on your soul. Seek out friends, family members, or support groups that make you remember what it is to feel cherished by and appealing to other human beings. If you are a churchgoer, attend services or activities. Reconnect with friends. You don't have to go into great detail with everyone, but let people know you are experiencing some difficulties and would like to be included in social events. Have two or three things on your schedule every week to get you out of the house.
5. Get some exercise. Lay off the alcohol. Don't be afraid to ask your doctor for some short-term assistance if you are having trouble sleeping at night.
6. Have faith in yourself. Whatever the outcome, it will be better than what you are feeling right now.

Kathryn Berlá, Ed.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Louisville . She may be reached at 502-412-2226.