Don't let a “dual” relationship turn into a duel

By Kathryn Berlá, Ed.D.

Dear Dr. Berlá,  

During a recent vacation, my wife and I paid my seventeen-year-old niece, the daughter of my sister, to house sit. Due to a plumbing problem we had been experiencing, part of our instructions to her was to shut off the main valve every morning when she left the house. One morning, she either forgot or didn't turn it off completely and came home that night to find a room partially flooded and the flooring ruined. I think that my niece should compensate us for the damage since that was one of the main reasons we had hired her for house-sitting in the first place. My wife thinks I am being too hard on her and that we should eat the cost. My sister and my niece have expressed how sorry they are, but my sister has made it clear that “charging” my niece, who is a high school student, is going too far. What is the right thing to do?

J.W., Louisville

Dear J.W.,

That depends on how much you want to continue having a relationship with your sister. Seriously, right or wrong, you are running the risk of sparking resentment and tension between you and your sister, and perhaps other family members, which could have ramifications for a very long time. The emotional toll of strain or estrangement will likely far outweigh the financial pain of paying for the floor yourself.

That said, let's look at how you got yourself into this situation in the first place. You didn't specify what the specifics were of the arrangement between you and your niece, but I'm guessing that there were several possible benefits you saw in hiring her. First, I'd be willing to bet that you like the idea of having a family member house sit rather than having to find a stranger that you trusted. Second, I would guess that the fee you agreed to pay her was far less than if you had hired a professional. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your rationale if those are some of the reasons you hired her, but here's what you traded off: since I am assuming that this high school student is neither insured nor bonded, nor has she received any certification as a professional house-sitter (if there is such a thing), you are left with little recourse if any major damage gets done. I suppose you could sue her and garnish her baby-sitting wages, but I'm guessing it would take a few years for her debt to be satisfied. Plus, it makes for some pretty tense holiday diners at Grandma's.

This is why you often will hear people cautioning against “dual” relationships. Dual in this context means that you have more than one type of relationship simultaneously with a person. In your case, you have a family relationship as well as an employer/employee relationship with your niece/house-sitter. Other dual relationships may be your co-worker who is also your drinking buddy, or your friend that you lent $800 to. The potential for trouble in a dual relationship lies where issues in one aspect of the relationship suddenly have implications or consequences for the other aspect of your relationship. In your case, the implications of how your family relationships may be affected may dictate how you choose to deal with your “professional” issue with your niece. Of course, choosing not to pursue the issue with your niece may still engender resentment on your part when you are writing the check for the replacement flooring. Either way, this arrangement turned out unsatisfactorily. Had you hired a professional with whom you had no other ties, you could pursue a remedy or terminate the relationship without there being any ramifications for any other part of your life.

Dual relationships are not always avoidable, however it is best to proceed with caution and think through the outcomes as comprehensively as possible. What would happen if poker night with your buddy started to affect his productivity at work, which in turn affects your output? How would his role in office politics affect your trust in him as a friend? What about the friend you lent the money to? Obviously, if she borrowed it, it is because she doesn't have enough money to begin with. What happens if she gets behind on her repayments to you? How would you feel seeing her that fabulous new pair of shoes, knowing that she owes you money? (When it comes to lending to family or friends, the best advice I have ever heard is to just give them the money outright if you have it to give. If you don't have it to spare, don't lend it to someone with whom your stakes are doubly high—personal and financial. Leave it to the banks.)

In any dual relationship, there is always one part of the relationship that is dominant over the other. For example, the family relationship may be primary over the professional one, or the work relationship may be primary over the friendship. It is better to be clear in your own mind which relationship is ultimately the more important of the two. It is not always possible to be right and be happy at the same time. Don't get so stuck on your moral high ground that you sacrifice your family relationships. I find that in most cases, when given the choice between being right or being happy, the smart money is on happy every time.

Kathryn Berlá, Ed.D. is a licensed psychologist in private practice in Louisville . She may be reached at 502-412-2226.