By Kathryn Berlá, Ed.D.
Some married friends of mine were eating dinner recently in the bar of a hip, casual restaurant when they observed an interaction between an attractive woman, who was eating alone, and a male patron who approached her for conversation. While they could not overhear what was being spoken, there was not much question that the woman was being hit on, and that she was not interested. After 20 minutes or so, the gentleman caller departed and my friend's struck up a conversation with the woman.
“Guys have it hard,” the woman sighed. “They really have to put themselves out there and make the first move. That takes a lot of guts, and I do appreciate that. In fact, there are a lot of guys I see that I wish would find a way to start a conversation with me that don't,” the woman said.
My friends inquired why she wouldn't approach a man that she found attractive. She replied, “I guess there are still a lot of traditional roles that we play, even though I don't think of myself as being old-fashioned. Bottom line is, I figure if a guy isn't trying to start a conversation with me it is because he isn't available, or because he's too shy or insecure, which means we probably are not a good match to begin with. I mean, sometimes, even guys that really aren't available will start talking to you, so if they aren't talking, they must really be taken.” She went on, “You have to give the ones that do a lot of credit, because they are constantly risking rejection.”
“The problem, though,” the woman said flatly, “is that the guys that are brazen enough to talk to you are often so clueless that they don't pick up on very clear signals when women aren't interested. It's like, ‘I put in all this energy to come over here and meet you, so I'm going to stand here and keep hitting on you even if you clearly are not into me.'” The woman rolled her eyes. “That,” she said, “gets so tired.”
Right about the time my friends were recounting this story to me, a journalist friend forwarded me a Web site listing common law enforcement codes used for short-hand communication over radio transmissions. He jokingly suggested that if there were a way to manualize relationship communications in a similar way, we all might be better off.
I thought that was a brilliant idea. We could definitely use some of these existing codes, which are fairly universal, for making what we are trying to communicate explicit to the listener. That way, it would enable the speaker to be more direct without having to muster words that may feel hurtful, and it would enable the listener to get the picture without having to interpret mixed signals. That conversation at the restaurant bar could have been much more efficient if re-imagined with our new code list:
Guy: Is this seat taken?
Woman: 10-01 , buddy.
Guy: So, Do you come here often/Can I buy you a drink/ Wanna see my scar?
Woman: That's a 10-12 .
Guy: So, could I 10-213 you?
Woman: Please 10-34 .
Or how about some handy “Out of Service” codes to fend off unwanted overtures under all kinds of circumstances? Are you a mother of toddlers too tired for sex with your husband on a weeknight? Tell him you're “10-7od5.” Going through an exhausting divorce? Tell that woman eyeballing you at the gym that you are “10-7c6.” Have to break the news to your admirer that you are gay? 10-7b7. Forgot to put on your wedding ring or your clerical collar? What gentler way to say you are actually a priest without shaming your admirer than a simple “10-78?”
Are you in the middle of a break-up, but want to communicate that you will be available soon? No need for long explanations, “10-239“ will tell your intended target everything they need to know. Want feedback on your sexual prowess? Afraid to ask? Just say, “Baby, tell me either 10-9210 or 10-9311- I gotta know.”
Have you just met someone interesting and you are trying to find a tactful way to ask about prior relationship experience? How about, “Can I have your 10-7712?” When new girlfriend/boyfriend calls while you are in the middle or a financial argument with your ex, a simple, “10-15m13“ will tell your new love why this isn't a good time to chat.
Are you an old-fashioned girl who likes to have her weekend plans in place by Wednesday? Tell Mr. Ask-You-Out-at-the-Last-Minute, “Sorry, 10-3014.”
I think we really might be onto something here. While the complete list is fairly comprehensive for law enforcement needs, there are some deficits when it comes to love enforcement. The topic of infidelity is just not quite adequately addressed with a mere “11-615.” Also, I'm not sure that starting an argument with your loved one by saying “11-4116“ is a healthy way to convey the depth of your anger.
Of course, no list would be complete without codes for “It's not you, it's me,” “You're not ‘sponge worthy,'” “She's just a friend—I swear!” and “The rabbit died.” Clearly, there is more work to be done. In the meantime, if you need help with your relationship, just call me and say “11-4317“ on my voicemail. I'll get back to you right away.
(For a complete list, please see http://faculty.ncwc.edu/toconnor/polcodes.htm .)
