We all know what it's like to be stuck between a rock and hard place. But more than 70 million Americans these days are being caught between the needs of their children and their parents. They are the recently labeled the "Sandwich Generation."
As the American populace continues to benefit from medical advances, we are living longer and longer. Odds are that if you aren't already caring directly for an elder, either you will or you'll be the one needing care. So, be nice to your kids.
At the turn of the 19 th century, multi-generational households were common. Life expectancy averaged around 47 years. Nowadays, there are nearly four million Americans over 85.
There are many stressors on the Sandwich Generation, and they usually center around money and power; the adult child's and their parents'. I've heard many stories about families ironically needing to get rid of Grandma's money so she can qualify for Medicaid. And I've heard horrible tales of men in their 60s physically wrestling their 80-something fathers for the car keys.
There are unpleasant and difficult conversations to consider, but the consequences of being caught off guard will be more than unpleasant. The best thing to do is to have the unpleasant conversations now before they are forced upon you by accident or illness. First, have a conversation with the other adults/decision makers you already live with, i.e. your spouse, partner or significant other.
It is a huge decision to have a child, who at first can seem to be not much more than a whiny, demanding invalid who can't clean or feed itself. Now imagine another invalid , who weighs a whole lot more and truly has a mind of their own taking over your home, life, fridge, remote and car keys. It is crucial that you and your partner are on the same page about a decision as important as bringing a parent to live with you, especially if you are still making decisions about the children who are still under your roof. So any early steps should include putting your marital house in order.
Be prepared. This doesn't necessarily mean to have a length of rope nearby like some Boy Scout, but it could come in handy. Have some foresight about the emotional roller coaster that could come your way. You may find yourself experiencing feelings you haven't felt in years: griefthat Dad is on the decline; anxiety that time is running out; bitterness and resentment that your siblings aren't helping out; agitation that Mom treats you like a teenager since she moved in; overwhelmed by reams of new paperwork; fear of one's own demise; anger that you don't have time for all you want to do; sorrow at the return of long dormant sibling rivalries; and of course, guilt for feeling all of the above; and guilt for wishing it was over; and guilt for thinking about your inheritance; and guilt and more guilt . It is often helpful to discuss these feelings with someone you trust.
On the positive side, being thrust into the intimate care giving of one's parent can bring on good feelings, too; admiration for how Mom raised you; appreciation for how Dad sacrificed; gratitude for the chance to reconnect; blessed that you had such parents; inspired to live as fully as they did. It is often helpful to share these feelings with your family.
Wonderful life-affirming opportunities spring from reconnecting with one's parents or elders - the chance to reevaluate what kind of son or daughter you were or still want to become; the opportunity to deal with unfinished business, which can lead to redemption, forgiveness, reconciliation and a release of long-held emotional burdens; the chance to reclaim lost heritage and tap into the wisdom and perspective that (hopefully) comes with age.
Our aging parents can be great assets to have around our children. Imagine. Next time your teenager says they're bored, you can say, "Oh, that reminds me, Grandma said she had a story she wanted to tell you." Ideally, this little trick will free up some time for you to spend on yourself, for yourself; a necessity if you're going to stay sane through this period of your life.
In approaching any of the previously mentioned practical matters, emotions can often take center stage. Remember, being part of the sandwich generation, living in a "cluttered nest," means you're still role modeling for your kids. So no matter how nuts dear old Dad makes you when he asks you to turn the thermostat up again, treat him respectfully. Your children are watching. Your day will eventually come.
Remember, above all, it is important to consider that as you honor your mother and father, you also honor the gift of your own life.
